I’ve Moved… Again

It’s been real, Body By Aja, but a lot has happened and I’m moving, actually back to my old blog but with a new title and url: fitlivelaugh.wordpress.com

I think I’ll drop the .wordpress pretty soon, but I’m still working out design stuff over there.

First of all, my name isn’t Aja anymore. Well, once I graduate and get all the paperwork done, anyway. Yup, I’m finally doing what I should have done 3 years ago and am legally changing my name. It’s kind of weird, but I’ve wanted to change my name since I was in preschool, so this wasn’t a rash decision. I took pretty much all my life to decide on it.

Second, I started this blog to be kind of a business website for my personal training business and well, I’m not a personal trainer. I realized that just wasn’t for me. I kept trying to fit into that fitness guru mold but I’m not a fitness guru. I know a lot of things, but I’m not good at presenting them. I tried to make this blog my personal blog and kind of failed, so here we are.

All of the posts on here have been migrated to fitlivelaugh and I will keep them up here for another month maybe. After that this site will go dark. My weekly photo posts will be put up on fitlivelaugh, and if you liked the Facebook page you’ll still get notifications there for new posts!

I hope to see you all at the new site!

 

I am my own person

When the Actor and I started dating 6 years ago it almost instantly became like I wasn’t my own person. My friends would always ask him if I could hang out with them, if I was busy, if I could go with them on a trip, but they never asked me directly. I would be standing right in front of them and they would ask him instead.

Like he owned me.

When I got my hair cut into a pixie last summer the hair dresser asked if she would get an angry husband in her salon, like my hair was not my own.

In the eleventh grade we were in the same class for television production. We were split up into different groups which alarmed everyone around us. I found myself practically screaming that we were not a packaged deal. We could work in different groups and be okay. It wasn’t even remotely a problem.

Friends will even tell me that they got the Actor’s permission to do stuff with me if I’m reluctant to hang out because I’m an introvert, like that will change my mind.

And on the opposite side, his friends are always messaging me about hanging out.

So, this is a public service announcement to everyone that knows us:

I am my own person. The Actor is his own person. We do not own each other. We are not in charge of each other. We do not manage each other’s schedules.

I may be indecisive but I can make my own decisions. So can he.

We areĀ not a packaged deal. We do not have to be together all the time.

We got married because we love each other and social constructs and benefits. It does not mean we belong to each other. We did not vow that. It means that we got to combine bank accounts and finances and visit each other in the hospital if anything happens. It means we’ve promised to be in a committed relationship with each other for as long as we want. And weddings are just too damn fun to pass up.

It does not mean in any way, shape, or form that we own each other.

I’ll Never Reach my Goal Weight

(this is a Thinking Out Loud post)

Every now and then I’ll see posts about people reaching their goal weight or just talking about reaching theirs, their journey, etc.

That’s great for those people. I am all for reaching your goal weight and celebrating it. Good for you!

But me? I will never reach my goal weight. And that’s okay, because my goal weight is dangerous.

My goal weight exists because of my eating disorder. My goal weight would put me dangerously under weight and jeopardize my health. I would have to lose about 30 pounds to get to my goal weight, and I’m already at a fairly low weight for my height.

It’s been a long time since I focused on my weight for my health goals. That was a huge part of my recovery; learning to let go of weight as a marker of health.

My goal weight got lower and lower as my eating disorder took over more and more of my life. It started as 105, then 100, then why not 90? Finally, 80 pounds. I got to 94 and then I was thrown into recovery. But that 80 is still up there in lights as my goal weight, sparkling, glowing, taunting me.

And it’s huge for me to be able to ignore that. But sometimes I think about how I’ll never have that reaching my goal weight moment and it makes me kind of sad. But then I remember that getting to that number would most likely involve me dying.

I’ll never reach my goal weight, and that’s okay. Because it’s just a number. It doesn’t mean anything about my health or my abilities. It just tells me how much gravity is affecting my mass on this planet.

It’s Not That Simple

I’ve been over 5 years since I started my anorexia recovery, and I’ve come a long way. Right now my appetite is gone because it’s been ridiculously hot, not because of my disorder.

But my recovery isn’t what I’m talking about today.

Yesterday, while the Actor and I were crushing it in the gym, there were a few others on benches next to us gossiping about a girl that I would regularly see in the gym when classes were on. She was very thin but also very strong. And mostly I just saw her in passing and went on with my workout without giving her a second thought. But these people had observed her heavily. And they decided that she was bulimic.

First of all, that’s none of their business. If they are not family or close personal friends they don’t need to care.

Second, they then felt the need to stress how much they wanted to feed her. The guy said he wanted to take her on a date just so he could shove food in her mouth, or pump her full of bacon grease.

I am so sick of the primary focus of eating disorder recovery being based around food for so many reasons.

1 – Not everyone who has an eating disorder is emaciated.

2 – The disorder will still be there once weight is restored.

Me for example, I was only 94 pounds (5’3) when I started my recovery. For my age at the time it was on the low end of the healthy weight range on the BMI scale, which I used to worship before I realized what bullshit it is. However, my tendencies and feelings toward food and myself got me diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. And thus began the re-feeding period, but no one, not even my doctors, seemed interested in the psychological aspect of my disorder. Once I hit 105 everyone seemed happy and things “went back to normal” because, hey, my weight was restored. But my disorder was still there, which made it easy to get back down to 99 ASAP.

Yes, getting weight back to a healthy range is necessary so that the person can not die, but no one seems to care about them after that point. They are marked as “cured” and everyone moves on while they are left to suffer.

Thoughts and feelings of worthlessness and failure clouded my mind daily when my weight was restored because I had done exactly what my disorder did not want me to do, and there was no professional help for me to deal with those feelings.

In America, insurance bases how much coverage an ED patient gets off of their weight rather than their disorder, meaning a lot of people get denied the care they need, and a lot more people die than have to.

It’s not as simple as pumping someone full of food. You don’t just get them to eat a sandwich and then they’re magically cured.

And can we stop talking about skinny people needing to eat sandwiches? It’s no one’s business what someone weighs or how they look.

Eating disorders are so much more than weight. Weight is only a symptom, and food is not the cure.

4th of July 2015

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This gallery contains 7 photos.

I’m not big on the 4th of July, but I took the opportunity to hang out with my best friend and have some fun. We were originally going to watch the Seattle fireworks from Gasworks park but they weren’t allowing … Continue reading

Week #26 of 2015

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June 21 Father’s Day, Sunday, was a relaxing day. I called my dad, and the Actor called his dad, and I made these bracelets out of some beads I’ve had for forever and watched a lot of Netflix. We of … Continue reading